Why Can't I Own A Canadian?

I'm hoping that some of my more learned friends can put me right on a few things...

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them and they insist on calling the fire brigade. Should I smite them? If so, with what? Would a baseball bat be appropriate, do you think?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her, and how old would she have to be?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women seem to take offence, often quite violently.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. An American friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify for me? Why can't I own Canadians? Are they more expensive? And, for the English, a comely Welsh lass might do very well. But, not one with red hair - that would indeed be asking too much.

I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or can someone be found to 'do the job', as our Mafia friends say. Can you suggest an appropriate method?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev 19:4 forbids me to make 'metal gods'. Does this mean I have to sell the Porsche?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Also, how far away is 'approach'?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
According to Lev 19:32, I am required to stand up in the presence of the aged. Is there a lower limit, like 60, for example, like giving up your seat on the bus?
Lev 19:29 forbids me from making my daughter a prostitute. Do you think a little part-time escort work might be OK?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play in goal if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend, I think). He also blasphemes a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I'm quite confused. Hope someone can help. Er, thanks.


Thanks also to the American Humanist Association, from whom the above has been both plagiarised and shamelessly embellished.