Saturday, April 30, 2011

It's You!

President Obama is seeking a second term in office. He would do well to consider the example of the Children of Israel before signing up. Jews have had quite a troubled first term as the Chosen People, which finally expired last night, in preparation for wholesale annexation of land by the Palestinians. They awoke this morning to find that they had once again been hand-picked by the Almighty. Synagogues across the globe declared a day of mourning and when asked if the descendants of Abraham shouldn’t be pleased about being tapped for an unprecedented second term, Jerusalem Rabbi  Shlomo Ben Gurion was non-committal – a trait honed by thousands of years of aggressive persecution. “Of course, you are right, we should be thrilled,” he said. “We should also enjoy being repeatedly kicked in the head, but for some reason, we don’t."

Much of the world’s re-blessed Jewish community shared that feeling. A resident of Brooklyn, unnamed, said yesterday “It’s always been considered a joke with us. You know, ‘Please G-d, next time choose someone else. If only Samuel had pretended to be asleep'...” The young man was philosophical. “After all” he said “it’s only 10,000 years. Trust me, after a few diaspora, you get used to universal hatred.”
“God promised to bless Abraham and those who came after him.” he went on, with a rueful smile. “Who knows, maybe that sounded quite attractive, a positive option at the time, or perhaps ‘blessed’ meant something a little bit different back then, like ‘Short periods of prosperity interrupted by attempted genocide'. I think we can agree that back then people didn’t know what they were signing up for.”

According to a recent worldwide survey of faiths, not one group expressed interest in being chosen for the vacant slot. One application submitted before last night’s filing deadline, on behalf of Islam, turned out to be a fake. “Somebody filled out the form and signed our name to it, but I swear it wasn’t us,” said Imam Bader Al Shabab from Medina. “I’m not going to say who it was, but the application was filled out in Hebrew.”

As usual, the Anglicans were self-effacing. “No, we weren't avoiding Him. We just told our parishioners that if a celestial messenger turns up on the doorstep we just tell him that we’re out,” insisted Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. William MacRowan, his popularity boosted by his beautifully modulated intonation during the Royal Wedding, thought by some to make the Anglicans front-runners. “Anyway, leaving perfect diction aside, I wouldn’t say we’re a 'people' exactly. Not really.”

In Jerusalem, Jewish leaders are to propose an amendment prohibiting a people from having to serve more than two consecutive terms. “Hopefully, G-d will hear our prayer,” said a spokesman. “No, wait, that’s what got us into this in the first place.”
Americans, meanwhile, were outraged, since they had assumed they were God’s chosen people. The Archbishop explained, with uncharacteristic candour, “It only seems that way because people don't like you very much.”


  1. You are so very witty.

    No. Really.

    I mean it.

  2. I can't imagine what's happening in the Baptist camp...

  3. Oh, yes. I forgot to mention. The Baptists didn't in fact complete the application form correctly, believing themselves to be the de facto choice. The Chair of the Baptist Union has been asked to resign .


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