The Right Man

Now that DSK is out of the running for the French Presidency it's a wide open field. As part of the selection procedure I think that potential candidates should fill out a questionnaire to determine their suitability for high office. This is a work in progress, obviously, but I thought something along these lines might be quite a promising start.

What's the greatest threat to world peace?

• Terrorism.
• Godlessness.
• Barack Hussein Obama.
• Intolerance.
• Environmental damage
• Barack Hussein Obama
• All of the above

What about the gays, then?

• They will Burn in Hell.
• Equal rights for all would be nice, but I can't see it happening somehow.
• As long as they stay in the Church where they belong, that's fine by me.
• Everyone should be eligible for a civil union. Including animals.
• Whatever.

Have you ever obliterated a village?

• Yes.
• No, but I want to.
• No, but I've killed the equivalent population of a small Siberian town.
• Only a simulated one online.
• Not that I can remember, but...
• Absolutely not. That would be cruel.

Abortion

• Women have the right to choose.
• Some women have the right to choose...
• It's murder.
• God does not condone it, so I don't either.
• Whatever.

Do you have a mistress?

• Of course I do. I thought it was compulsory.
• I have been flawlessly faithful to my lovely heiress wife for thirty years.
• I'm gay, you moron.

What about the plight of the homeless?

• They continue to be marginalised, and more must be done to help them.
• I'm afraid I don't know any.
• Who gives a shit? I certainly don't.
  
  

What was your stance on the war in Iraq?

• It was an illegal war, and frankly, I didn't trust the President's motives.
• We brought freedom to an oppressed people. Almost.
• We shouldn't be sticking our noses in other peoples' business.
• The price of fuel can alienate some voters.
• I'm mindful of the long-term environmental damage caused by depleted uranium.
• Whatever.

Stem cell research?

• I'm against it.
• I'm in favour.
• I really don't give a shit about trees.

What's your deepest, darkest secret?

• I was a crackhead and an alcoholic; I killed someone in a car crash, but I think I got away with it.
• I committed some questionable acts while part of the armed services.
• I frequently walk around with a concealed sidearm. It makes me feel secure, somehow.
• I may have shot and killed someone, but I'm not sure, being drunk at the time.
• I hate most people. All the time, as it happens.
• I'm squeaky clean. As a button. Really.

If you could have a catchphrase, what would it be?

• "Rock and roll!"
• “I'm glad you asked me that”
• "Well, that's a difficult question, and quite honestly ..."
• "For our children!"
• "Freedom!"
• “Father, forgive."
• All of the above. But not on the same occasion, of course.

I think this would go a long way towards weeding out unsuitable centrist candidates thus leaving a clear, unequivocal choice between Sarkozy and Le Pen.